Change of Heart

Since the age of four years old, the longest time period I have gone without training was a month. Throughout my school years and traveling to Asia, I have been blessed to always have motivation. When I was child it was because I was fighting almost daily, but later it changed to a new type of combat. 

Being oppressed as a child created a fire in my heart to become more. To quote Knight, one of the Tianwudao, "Life is like a bow and arrow, the more they hold you back, the farther you can fly." This philosophy has been the core of my being for most of my life. I trained hard so that one day I could show people a black hero on TV that I was never able to see as a youth. I was sick of gangsters being the role models for rap, so I began rapping. I learned Chinese because there were so many that told me that it was an impossible language. While I was teaching martial arts in the university they called me War. It was fitting because I was really at war in every aspect of my life.

In time my dreams of stardom and success only grew larger. I took on every challenge whether it was a song, demonstration, film or whatever. My success seemed to be growing as I received more recognition for my effort. I was rapping, studying, fighting, training, teaching, dancing and acting all at once. On the surface it appeared that I was a superhero, but on the inside after 25 years, I was exhausted. I couldn't understand why I had to do so much and others so little and I was still unable to make my dreams surface.

When I met my wife something changed in me. I felt that the fire that once was there had been extinguished. I continually trained and did all of the things that I desired my whole life, but somehow everything seemed to be a lot calmer. When this calm was upon me I feared that I would lose my dreams and ideas because I didn't want to trade in everything I had worked so hard for.

It wasn't until I returned to America that I began to understand the foolishness of my efforts. In the bible it often refers to the Philistines as the enemy of God. The word philistine in Hebrew refers to rolling in the dirt. This represents a person who believes that his effort is what will make him a successful person. Do or die, no pain no gain kind of thinking. This is what we are all taught as children, yet these people are the enemy of God. 

I then realized that it is because life itself is a gift from God. Trying to say you have achieved something with your own hands, is much like offering your mother money for birthing you. No matter how much you give your mother, it is folly because you couldn't exist without her. Me trying to achieve greatness with my hands even if my intentions are good is just a form of vanity. 

The problem was the source of all of my achievements was still based on a hidden rage to be better. In my opinion it is this hidden rage that was the cause of Bruce Lee's death. Rage in any form can only go so far before it poisons your every thought and then consumes your entire being. In our society today most people use either rage or fear to make all of their decisions. The fear that we will not be accepted is what keeps us up to date with fashion. The fear of not having enough income keeps us working at jobs that we have no passion for. They say that heart disease is the number one killer in America when  actuality it is fear. Rage is just a bit more powerful than fear, but both will cut many years from your life. 

Jesus mentions that the ultimate power is love. Though we all may have love in our loves, very few of us use love as a tool. Through loving my wife I have learned the nature of love. Now the fire that was once inside of me has become power. 

I do not have to chase my dream, I simply need to become it. By believing that God will exceed my every expectation, I will become much more successful than any of my efforts could ever have done. The point is that I don't deserve greatness, but I will receive greatness because of the love of my father. 

Now I am at rest knowing that I will be much more than I have ever dreamed of. The only thing I need to do is use love in every aspect of my life. I love my wife, I love my family, I love the Tianwudao, I love the people reading this blog, I love my art, I love Chinese, I love music and dance. I love every new opportunity that God brings my way. Through love we will overpower the darkness within our hearts and become the light of the world. If you do it cause you love it, you are doing it right.

Now whether I am studying, training, dancing or whatever it is done because I love every moment I have been given. I am no longer training, but enjoying the gifts that have been placed in my heart. Many Christians somehow feel that the desires in your heart contradict the path of God when it is really quite the opposite. God has put those desires in your heart so that you could love your life to the fullest. It is his nature to exceed your desires. Therefore the dreams that I have always wanted will be multiplied through faith not effort. Doubt, Rage, Disbelief, Fear, Anxiety are all different ways of not trusting God's love for you, therefore it hinders the gifts that you would receive. 

 Everything I do now is not tiring but invigorating. I can do 10 times as much and I am always at rest and in love. Doing things by your own effort is hard style, learning to rest is soft style.